Tiresome thoughts.
Waves of emotions.
Meaningless words.
I'm getting used to not being understood by anyone around me.
I'm getting better at not expressing what I'm thinking and feeling.
Somehow, everything is getting less important.
This is what it feels like to be weak, sinful, foolish, weary, and to be a failure.
Feeling alone.
I want to tell you everything.
I want to be moved by what you have to say.
I want to work together towards one purpose.
But you're not here.
My thoughts build up and wander in my head.
My passions stagnate and my actions lay still.
I walk alone.
This is not how I want to be.
I don't want to change for you.
I don't want to wait for you.
I don't live for you, and I never will.
You are not my greatest desire.
I hate the thought of you.
My weaknesses are prodded.
My sins exposed.
I thought silence and solitude would be my friends.
Not yet.
I thought I would grow and find strength in the desert.
I thirst.
But I don't drink the cup of water in front of me.
I want tomorrow to come,
but not if it's the same as today.
Sigh.
I want.
i listen to people talking, but their words don't resonate with me. i used to think that one of my strengths was getting along with various groups of people. i haven't felt that in awhile. maybe i'm not able to relate with others anymore. maybe i'm just not willing. whatever the case, i'm not just losing my friends, i'm losing a part of my self.
maybe i need to expand my view of what i consider "meaningful" topics. but i tend to think of anything i find to be uninteresting as a waste of time. does this make me a snob. i guess i'm less frustrated by other people's interests, than by the lack of opportunity to pursue mine. what are my interests. it's been so long since i've been "inspired" that i've lost track of where i've wanted to go. i don't really remember the feeling, and i definitely don't know what i'm doing. this may have been one of my biggest fears - giving up on or forgetting my beliefs and my goals. what interests, what direction, what passion. i'm trying to remember, but i've already lost a lot of my grip. i'm left with being a one-dimensionally-minded person with nowhere to go. does that make sense?
i miss that relationship or experience where my heart leaps. not because i think i'm in love or anything. but because of the excitement of learning, of being understood, of being stirred, and "challenged". does all this sound like a cliche? what can i say, originality has never been a trait of mine. is this a necessary means to get to who i will turn out to be. maybe the goals i set for myself and the way i envisioned my future were not realistic, or suitable, or something.
i still want it. whatever it is. now i want it more than before.
my growing dislike towards all that i have liked before is becoming unbearable.
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my circumstances are so peachy - nothing to complain about, and i should be thankful about everything... but i am increasingly negative, impatient, irritable, and restless.